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Sexual Appetites
Posted By Kissa
I’ve talked to a lot of couples and singles too about the topic of sexual appetites. I think we may have all faced this at one time or another in our sexual lives- sexual disparity.
What happens when one partner wants more sex than the other wants or is willing to engage in, make time for, etc.?
What if one partner wants to explore new kinks and the other doesn’t?
Are these things you should determine before you commit in a relationship?
Are there solutions for couples who are in love but face this dilemma?
I don’t have automatic answers for this topic but I’d love some input and discussion….
Jul 14th, 2010
What happens when one partner wants more sex than the other wants or is willing to engage in, make time for, etc.?
What if one partner wants to explore new kinks and the other doesn’t?
I know it’s glib, but my answer to these questions is always “be polyamorous.” I realize that’s not the ideal solution for many people – but it’s the reason my husband and I have a happy sex life together. About a year into our marriage (after about four years of knowing each other), I began to develop a kinky side to my sexuality. My husband, however, has no interest in the bondage practices that get me hot – in fact, he’s completely turned off by them. But because we’re in an open marriage, I am free to play with other people who do enjoy such things, and he doesn’t have to feel pressured into something he doesn’t like just to make me happy. And because I have an outlet for my kink, I don’t feel like I have to suppress who I am just to please him, and enjoy the vanilla sex we have together.
Are these things you should determine before you commit in a relationship?
I think it’s good to try to determine them as best you can, but it’s impossible to account for every possible change. Before I got married, I never dreamed that I’d enjoy being tied up. Hell, I never imagined my husband and I would choose to be non-monogamous. You really don’t know how you and your partner are going to change, so while it’s best to be prepared, I think the best thing you can do is just try to be flexible when the unexpected happens.
Are there solutions for couples who are in love but face this dilemma?
I honestly don’t know how monogamous couples do it. Being polyamorous is probably the reason why my marriage works out and why we have been ale to deal with the changes in our sexual appetites. I am free to explore my kinks with people who enjoy them, and can have fulfilling vanilla sex with my husband without feeling like I’m denying an important part of my sexuality.
I realize that “just be polyamorous” is not an ideal answer for most couples. Unfortunately, I don’t have a better solution. I honestly can’t imagine being satisfied and being monogamous – but I also can’t fathom leaving my husband. Being poly gives me the best of both worlds.
Dorla, it does sounds as if you have the best of both worlds. I think communication is key in any relationship and sounds like you and your spouse do a wonderful job of that. I am curious, do you develop feelings for any of the people you get your kink on with? Specifically, are you able to split sex from emotion totally? I applaud your husband for giving you what you need and still focusing on your vanilla relationship. Kudos to the both of you!
My husband and I are in a situation where were are both allowed to develop emotional attachments to the other people we have sex with. I’ve been in a love relationship for over a year and a half with another man (who has a live-in, primary partner). What started as something designed for exploration and fun evolved into something strong, committed, and loving.
I have other partners I play with as well, but it really is just for play, no romantic love involved. Each relationship has an entirely different dynamic.
As I said, I never started seeing my boyfriend with the intention of falling in love with him – but my husband and I got into this knowing that while it is possible to split sex and emotion, that doesn’t always happen. We went into our poly situation knowing we’d be okay if one person or the other developed romantic love for the person they had started seeing.
My husband, who tends to prefer casual hookups, has not really developed any strong romantic bonds since we became poly – until recently. A few weeks ago, he began dating a woman, and while their relationship is in its early stages, I have a feeling it’s going to get serious. I think his new girlfriend is absolutely wonderful and I’m really happy for my husband.
I missed something important about your first post- poly, of course you would have some emotions involved there. I also missed that your husband sees others too. (which makes total sense)
Thanks for clarifying and giving me and others some insight into your life- it is much appreciated!
You’re welcome! Always glad to talk about being poly and help people understand it.